This Be Droppin' On Your Ass Like A Mutha

The Stomach Flu Diet To Key West On.

PLUS




EQUALS AWESOME WEIGHT LOSS!

Five days before we were to leave for Key West for a week, I woke up after an hour of sleep to shit straight water into the toilet. Two hours after that I puked an enormous amount of purple-orange soup into a red 3 gallon bucket whilst shitting at least another gallon of straight water.

Golly. I had been at the gym 5 days a week for the last 7 weeks building muscle and losing fat. In fact, I lost 13 pounds and put enough muscle back on that I doubled my bench press. Now, here I am sick, wondering if

A) I will miss my last 4 days of the gym before the vacation.
B) Will my wife get sick and have this on vacation, before vacation or the worst of all, sick on the plane.

Well, after being quarantined for 3 days and missing some friend’s of ours dinner party the night before, we were to leave for Key West and my wife wasn’t sick. And she never did get sick. Hallelujah.

Fast forward 7 days and nights of drinking LOTS, 3 cheeseburgers in Paradise (with fries), a huge pizza one night (right before bed), and plenty of food here and there on wonderful Duvall street…and I lost weight, 3 pounds. Granted, it was probably muscle, but still. And that is with no gym time in Key West. It is true then, that you can't always get what you want, but if try sometimes, you just might find, you get whatcha need.

Hey everyone! Yesterday I inadvertently exposed myself to a 6 year-old girl!

After my workout, I head to the showers carrying my towel. Like all of you, I am naked in the shower. As I round the 1st set of lockers I see a little pink coat with fur around the hood turn towards me. At first, I just thought it was a little boy, but then I saw her face. She looked me right in the eye. And then right in the junk. I quickly covered and said “Oh shit!”, and her (I think) grandfather chuckles and gives me a big I-am-not-responsible-and-it-is-no-big-deal smile.






This is what I initially saw:









Then, I saw this:


I kept walking trying to cover my ass as I walked by. Talk about a shitty experience. I am going to tell management today – they have a day care at the gym and she can wait there until grandpa “3rd person exposure” changes his clothes and comes out to get her.


The blue line represents my path to the showers.

The gray dot represents grandpa smiley.

The pink dot represents you-know-who.

Ugh.

When I used to bartend. Part 2

Guy: Can I get a Chivas 18 rocks and a…

Me: We are out of Chivas 18.

Guy: Out? Are you sure?

Me: Yeah, sorry.

Guy: (to his friend) They are out of 18.

Friend: Out?

Me: Yeah. Out.

Friend: Completely out?

Me: Yeah, I mean I don’t throw out bottles of scotch with 2 ounces left in them.

Guy: Can you look? Are you sure you are out?

Me: I looked hours ago, I am not going to look again. We will have some on Tuesday. (I show him my order sheet)

Friend: You gotta have some back there.

Me: Okay, we have it. Just 1 on the rocks or 2?

Guy: I thought you said you didn’t have any?

Me: I did, and you didn’t believe me, so I thought I would see if you just don’t believe what you don’t want to hear or you don’t believe anything that you hear.

Guy: I want to see the manager.

Me: I am the manager. I have (naming 3 or 4 better scotches) but we are out of 18 until Tuesday.

Guy: Talisker. Rocks. And a Dewer’s and water.

Me: Talisker? Are you sure?

Guy: Dude…just get our drinks.

Pope Agrees To Bless Stoner’s Stash

Rome. The Pope agreed to bless
Robert Deppen’s “kick ass” bag of
marijuana Thursday. “Yeah, dude,
the old man is really gonna do it,”
Deppen said moments before Pope
Louie Paul lay a hand on his righteous
bud. “I don’t advocate it, but if he is
going to smoke it, then I may as well
bless it, besides, I heard it is a killer
bag,” said the Pot-Blessing-Pope.

“Whoa, man. Check it!” laughed
Deppen to a friend. “My weed
is blessed!” Deppen's friend,
"The Smitmeister" responded with
"I guess that makes you a Holy
Roller dude!” as Deppens rolled
a joint. Robert Deppens.
A Holy Roller indeed.

When I used to bartend....Part 1

I was bartender while I was in college, and I probably did it about 2 years too long. I lost my patience often and became a sarcastic prick.

Guy: Hi, can you tell me where an ATM machine is?

Me: An ATM machine?

Guy: Yes.

Me: Well, no. I would think that they are built by hand, but I wouldn't know where to find one.

Guy: A money machine?

Me: An ATM?

Guy: Yes!

Me: Walk towards those double doors, hang a right, walk 60 feet and viola!

Guy: Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?!

Me: You asked if I knew where a Automatic Teller Machine Machine was located. I don't know where a machine that could make an ATM would be located, nor do I know if they exist. Like I said, I would think that they are built by hand...

Guy: Thanks...asshole.

Me: Welcome...idiot.

Ask Zelda from Pet Cemetary!

Dear Zelda,

My neighbor's dog barks incessently day and night. I can only assume that they put it out at night because it is annoying them indoors. What can I do?

Barking in Bakersfield

***********************************

Dear Barking in Bakersfield,

Try a little rat poison. Wrap it up in some burger and toss it in the yard. The dog will gobble it up! Before the dog dies, it will experience:

* Fever and chills
* Severe headache
* Nausea and vomiting
* Stiff neck (meningismus)
* Sensitivity to light (photophobia)
* Mental status changes

Ironically, these are nearly the same symptoms that I deal with everyday and every night. In fact, I can honestly say that I know exactly what it is like to suffer from rat poison. And I can't remember the last time I barked.

Hope this helps,

Zelda

'Lil Bush and 'Lil Cheney

Okay, one more Family Circus. But this is it.

Same hair, same attitude, but Robert Blake can't restrain himself like Blago can.

Blago = Dr. Zira from Planet Of The Apes.

Funny video, thank you Mario!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6I5XXFqOUyA

AA Members’ Christmas Party Does Not Go Well At All

Farmersville, North Dakota. A local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous in Farmington has been temporarily shut down following a “huge bash” last Saturday evening. Authorities arrested 13 men from the meeting between 8:20pm and 1:45am. Bernie Durst, director of AA Chapter 254 commented about the bash. “We thought it would be a good idea to get together for a Christmas party, since most of our members’ families have stopped all communication with us. Well, everyone has done so well this past year that I thought I would put a little bourbon in the punch, as a reward. Wow, did I make a mistake. Heck, only an hour in and Hal Lendel was picking a fight with old Charlie Duncan. Then Susan Johnston announced some truly awful things that she would do if only everyone would form a line. Everything just got out of hand. Before 8pm they were all at the bar next door drinking 4oz shots and really letting loose. I even started drinking after I saw how much fun they were all having! Well, I guess you can chalk this one up as a bit of a mistake, that‘s all. God knows we here have all made our share and then some.” 7 of the men were arrested for DUI, 3 of which were driving on a revoked license, and 2 were driving a car that was not theirs, nor did they know whose car it was. The other 6 men, including Durst, were arrested for running naked through an apartment complex where Susan Johnston lives. Johnston was also arrested on “similar” charges.

F**cking helmet f**cking head

Maturity Graces Polish Black Metal Band

Bydgosczc, Poland. After nearly 5 years on the cutting edge of the music industry, Polish Black Metalers Behemoth offered a glimpse of their new found maturity. In a recent interview in People magazine, Behemoth’s front man, Dracune, spoke about their new conservative look, and their new found focus on their music. “Always with the dark stage gear and imagery. We used to try to look dark and forbidding, now we are focused on the music, the art, and the performance of our craft.” Dracune pointed out that many of their fans may label them as sell-outs, but they should wait until they hear the album before passing such judgments. “You can see, clearly by our new promotional photo [see inset] that we have taken our focus off of our appearance. Our fans will have to understand that our appearance was superficial, and that it did not represent us as musicians.” Dracune is not new to the world of change. Born on a bunny farm, Dracune spent his youth caring for bunnies in the small Polish village of Szamocin before moving to Bydgosczc at the young and impressionable age of 32. “I couldn’t just up and leave the bunnies. I spent all week tending to them, and then on the weekends I would catch a train into Bydgosccz to audition for Black Metal bands looking for a front man.” Dracune soon found Algor and Chomidia, both of Bydgosczc, suitable for band mates. Their 3rd effort, entitled The Disambiguation of the Oryctolagus cuniculus will be released January 27th.

I am so Republican, it hurts!

-by Chip Saltsman

Dudes, check me out. There is no way I can look anymore Republican than I do right now. I really started to bloom about 4 years ago; at least that is what everyone at the country club says. In fact, they don’t even bother asking to see my membership card any more – I look that Republican! When I am on the golf course, I can wear just about anything because my face and hair completely annihilate any urban look I may attempt. Dudes, I am your conservative du jour, and it is wonderful, don’t you agree? Just look at my: my-dad-makes-so-much-money-that-I-don’t-know-the-value-of-dollar smirk. Priceless. Ha! Get it!?

Miffy and Cassandra absolutely love my Saltsman cheeks. Just look at them! They ooze pomposity. I am a natural, except I must admit- (but never to a congressional panel. The only thing that should be transparent is the Holy Ghost.) -that I work like mad on my hair. See how it curves sharper than my jowls? Yeah, that is what I do to draw attention to my cheeks – while still maintaining the awesome “swope” on my fascist head. Sweet. I am a shoe-in for the next RNC leader, and lots of daddy’s friends have told me so when I was summering in the Hampton’s last year. Yeah, I stay out of the sun. Most of the time I am too busy to get outside because I am always giving back to my Ivy league Alma mater; I have a PAC based there that is so conservative that it makes William F. Buckley look like Dennis Kucinich. Some of the make-up people at FOX News told me that I have the best complexion ever, and that I can be dressed (as they say in the biz) in about 2 minutes, which means I can pop in and become a talking-head faster than that pro-credit card company legislation signing in 2004.

Well, I will see you around, er, I guess you will be seeing me around, huh? Congrats on that! If you want to see me, tune in to FOX News or take a look into a uterus that bears an embryo, I’ll be in there telling the government to tell you what to do, what to think, and what to believe. In any case, you will be seeing plenty of ultra-conservative-looking me. So, lucky you!

The Doorway Bowl Final Score------------------ Me: 0, Parents: 15

Errg. Last Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were snow days. And that means that parents go to work and drop their spawn off at the gym. Or, more accurately, the matching jump suit mother drops her 2-3 kids off along with 2-3 neighbor kids while she heads back home for some peace and quiet, and judging by the spawn’s rudeness, loudness and general shittyness, she indulges in wine until hubby gets home with the 4-6 kids. “It takes a village to raise a child.” No it doesn’t, it takes a parent. I didn’t take part in a community organized event that forced unwilling couples to fornicate until a “miracle” happened…for our village. Sure, I knew that kids were welcome in my gym, and there is plenty of room for them to run around in the gymnasium portions. Fine. Thank God that they aren’t allowed in the weight room.

Anyway, this is what happened in the locker room. I walk in and there are about 7 boys (6-10 years old) standing in the doorway, oblivious to the fact that people will be walking through it, being as loud as possible*, eating candy bars and spilling soda on the floor. I walk through them (yes, through them) and say “Excuse me, gentleman.” I do not enjoy kids in general (unless I know them or their parents), but I am always polite and I act as though they are really cool, and most of the time, they are. The doorway blockers barely move and don’t say a word. After I get my duffle bag unpacked, this naked 8 year old (from the pool!?) walks over and lays his towel on my duffle bag, partly covering my shoes, and ipod. When I say “Uh, excuse me there.” And go to move my stuff, he says “Oh.” grabs his towel knocking my ipod to the floor. He has to hear it, but ignores it. He steps on it with his wet, bare feet, ignoring it again, and shuts my locker to get to his. At that point this other guy, who has been waiting in the doorway for the monsters to get out of the way and/or get out of the headlock they are in, just snaps: “All right, enough! Get out of the locker room! This is not part of your playground!” They leave (slowly) and he looks at me shaking his head. Finally the kid who apparently lost his sight, inhibitions, and all sense of sensation in his feet drags himself out, too. I don’t care that kids are loud and engage in kid's stuff, they are kids and I was once one, too. But it makes me insane when the parents aren’t doing their job. WTF are they!? They pawn them off on anyone, anyone just to get some relief. Also, I am a freak about germs, and I don’t want whatever is on the gym floor (bare feet) on my ipod ear buds, which will eventually go in my ears, which are now breached gateways to my health.

The 4th quarter. About four 13 year-old girls walk in the front door with 2 mothers. These girls didn’t bring their IDs, so the lady that I am waiting on to get me a towel is busy going through the system and buzzing them in. The mothers are experiencing a delay, and they are pissed. They are glaring at the lady every time she asks for a name. The girls are picking up on it too and their expressions are looking more and more like haughty, old-money snobs each second, even though they aren’t old-money. They aren't even new-money, for that matter. There was such a sense of entitlement in the air that you would have thought I was in the presence of Barbara Bush. Then I had to wait on them again because they sat on the floor of the doorway so they could all change their shoes. I couldn’t step over because it was a doorway. I stood there waiting while they talked about Emma’s ugly sweater, and Megan’s ugly hair, all the while ignoring everyone else and their own ugly smugness taught by their mother’s ugly attitudes. WTF are they sitting on the floor in the doorway!? They didn’t bother moving or saying “Excuse our narcissistic asses.” They were just as oblivious as the 8 year-old naturalist from the locker room. Does Elmo teach them to hang out in doorways? Seriously, does he!? He better, he f-ing better, because I can’t imagine where kids are picking this up.

Me: “Sir, have you seen Elmo?”

Sir: “Why no, but I am sure you will find him in a doorway, that is where he hangs out.”

Me: “Okay thanks, I am going to kill him.”

Sir: “Splendid, that is very good news! Just don’t do it in the doorway.”

Me: “Of course.”

So, next snow day, the I-want-kids-but-don’t-want-to-watch-them parents' will win by forfeit. I will just stay home. Call me and we will have lunch. Seriously, if we have a snow day, call me and we will have lunch.

*This is irrelevant, but I am just being accurate

Hippo-crit

4 Kid$

True Story From Minnisota

Lake Iwannatitti, Minisota -- It was cold outside Monday morning, but apparently not cold enough.

A woman unlocking a warehouse door in the 1100 block of Bell Street was approached by a naked man wearing a ski mask at 6:30 a.m. Monday, said police.

He handled himself inappropriately and then fled, the report said. No additional description was available, aside from the fact that woman could not believe how inappropriately he was handling himself. “First, he was all like [“laaaa” sound effect] shaking it back and forth at me, and then he stretched it out really, really far, and then, somehow even farther. That is when he cried out, obviously in pain. He backed up, a little confused from the pain, I suppose. Then tucked his genitals all the way under, like in Silence Of The Lambs, turned around so I could see his junk, bent over, started shaking his butt and yelled out “Who wants fruit salad?!”, then he jumped in the air and landed his butt and junk square on the ground. He moaned and cried, rolling around like a lopsided ball. I thought that would be it and started to walk away, but then he asked me to wait. And this is what took the cake. He started jerking off, and after about five really uncomfortable minutes for both of us, he got it hard. That is when he ran straight into the warehouse wall. Unbelievable. Also, it was f-ing cold, dude. F-ing cold”, the woman said.

According to statistics from the National Weather Service in Wandabille, the temperature at 6:30 Monday morning had reached the low for the day of 17 degrees.

The woman stated that the man clearly did not know what he was doing and that she hoped that he would do a much better job next time he assaulted someone.

Got Neo-Con?

He hasn't changed

Adam and Eve, a Rib, and the Surface Tension of Water

Can you help a sister out?

This may be a reach...

I love MS Paint.

"Lets Have Another"

Bill Keane Sure Isn't Funny.

Family Circus has never been funny. In fact, I find it offensive, not funny. Need an example? Open the paper, any paper. It is atrocious that this man gets paid to impose distorted reality or painfully obvious and/or boring situations on the public. "Oh? What's that you say? It's a cute cartoon? Oh, okay forget it then." He has been dumbin' us all down for years. Funny how the funnies aren't funny. Over the next week I aim to funny this shit up. Hope you enjoyed the 1st one.

Real Estate For Sale!

19056325415384 West Soulless Drive. Wonderful 1-year old cookie-cutter located in desirable Repetition Hills! 1300 square feet with all new everything. The garage provides lots of storage. This house is great for those who just don’t have time to care about the stupid house. Enjoy virtually no yard (no mowing!), hollow-core doors, a 5x7 wooden grill holder with 2 steps (some call it a deck) and close neighbors. How close? Close enough to borrow something by reaching out your windows! Everything and every store you need are located within 1 mile. Got kids? We sure do, and so does everyone else. Kids in Repetition Hills will learn their numbers fast. Why? Because they have to read the numbers on our mailbox just to identify their house! Come on parents; give them a good math head start in Repetition Hills!

The bright orange and green children’s playground equipment are included since we are moving into another cookie-cutter with the same equipment already installed! Isn’t life just wonderful?! Step right into our one-dimensional lives while we step right into someone else’s!

"Fantasy Dining" In Ethiopia Really Catching On.

Full Story Next Week!

Village woman with "fantasy" pot roast.

Area Man Just Says “Fuck It!”

Carlinsville, WA. Local plumber and handyman, Al Jarvis, got fed up and just said “Fuck it!” Tuesday. Jarvis, 41, had been attempting to install Mrs. Cooper’s new shower for over 9 hours. “When he found out he needed yet another part, he just snapped.” said Randy Boone, Jarvis’ apprentice. “We loaded up and hit the tavern.” Boone also stated that Jarvis was drinking pretty heavy and cursing his “Goddamn ex-wife” over a game of darts and jalapeno poppers. Jarvis is the 478,503rd man this year to end a workday using those two words solely in a sentence.

Hello Cleveland!

*sigh* Here goes. Over the last few tri-months I have noticed that my humor doesn't always translate well to some, and some prefer to keep their head in the sand (when it comes to current events, not celebrity happenings) so I have decided to no longer offer it up to said groups and keep my pants-shittings to myself and the few peeps that get it. Please know that I am no mental heavyweight, and I certainly do not think that I am above the people that do not enjoy my humor, it just has to be purged in order for the chaos within to line itself up. That way I can get on to doing lawn work or drinking. That being said, read on or don't. You see, it is all worth it if I make only 1 person a day (including myself) smile, cry, bang their fist on their keyboard in opposition or just lightly puke into a small crayon box at their sister's house 2 days later.