This Be Droppin' On Your Ass Like A Mutha

The Stomach Flu Diet To Key West On.

PLUS




EQUALS AWESOME WEIGHT LOSS!

Five days before we were to leave for Key West for a week, I woke up after an hour of sleep to shit straight water into the toilet. Two hours after that I puked an enormous amount of purple-orange soup into a red 3 gallon bucket whilst shitting at least another gallon of straight water.

Golly. I had been at the gym 5 days a week for the last 7 weeks building muscle and losing fat. In fact, I lost 13 pounds and put enough muscle back on that I doubled my bench press. Now, here I am sick, wondering if

A) I will miss my last 4 days of the gym before the vacation.
B) Will my wife get sick and have this on vacation, before vacation or the worst of all, sick on the plane.

Well, after being quarantined for 3 days and missing some friend’s of ours dinner party the night before, we were to leave for Key West and my wife wasn’t sick. And she never did get sick. Hallelujah.

Fast forward 7 days and nights of drinking LOTS, 3 cheeseburgers in Paradise (with fries), a huge pizza one night (right before bed), and plenty of food here and there on wonderful Duvall street…and I lost weight, 3 pounds. Granted, it was probably muscle, but still. And that is with no gym time in Key West. It is true then, that you can't always get what you want, but if try sometimes, you just might find, you get whatcha need.

Hey everyone! Yesterday I inadvertently exposed myself to a 6 year-old girl!

After my workout, I head to the showers carrying my towel. Like all of you, I am naked in the shower. As I round the 1st set of lockers I see a little pink coat with fur around the hood turn towards me. At first, I just thought it was a little boy, but then I saw her face. She looked me right in the eye. And then right in the junk. I quickly covered and said “Oh shit!”, and her (I think) grandfather chuckles and gives me a big I-am-not-responsible-and-it-is-no-big-deal smile.






This is what I initially saw:









Then, I saw this:


I kept walking trying to cover my ass as I walked by. Talk about a shitty experience. I am going to tell management today – they have a day care at the gym and she can wait there until grandpa “3rd person exposure” changes his clothes and comes out to get her.


The blue line represents my path to the showers.

The gray dot represents grandpa smiley.

The pink dot represents you-know-who.

Ugh.

When I used to bartend. Part 2

Guy: Can I get a Chivas 18 rocks and a…

Me: We are out of Chivas 18.

Guy: Out? Are you sure?

Me: Yeah, sorry.

Guy: (to his friend) They are out of 18.

Friend: Out?

Me: Yeah. Out.

Friend: Completely out?

Me: Yeah, I mean I don’t throw out bottles of scotch with 2 ounces left in them.

Guy: Can you look? Are you sure you are out?

Me: I looked hours ago, I am not going to look again. We will have some on Tuesday. (I show him my order sheet)

Friend: You gotta have some back there.

Me: Okay, we have it. Just 1 on the rocks or 2?

Guy: I thought you said you didn’t have any?

Me: I did, and you didn’t believe me, so I thought I would see if you just don’t believe what you don’t want to hear or you don’t believe anything that you hear.

Guy: I want to see the manager.

Me: I am the manager. I have (naming 3 or 4 better scotches) but we are out of 18 until Tuesday.

Guy: Talisker. Rocks. And a Dewer’s and water.

Me: Talisker? Are you sure?

Guy: Dude…just get our drinks.

Pope Agrees To Bless Stoner’s Stash

Rome. The Pope agreed to bless
Robert Deppen’s “kick ass” bag of
marijuana Thursday. “Yeah, dude,
the old man is really gonna do it,”
Deppen said moments before Pope
Louie Paul lay a hand on his righteous
bud. “I don’t advocate it, but if he is
going to smoke it, then I may as well
bless it, besides, I heard it is a killer
bag,” said the Pot-Blessing-Pope.

“Whoa, man. Check it!” laughed
Deppen to a friend. “My weed
is blessed!” Deppen's friend,
"The Smitmeister" responded with
"I guess that makes you a Holy
Roller dude!” as Deppens rolled
a joint. Robert Deppens.
A Holy Roller indeed.

When I used to bartend....Part 1

I was bartender while I was in college, and I probably did it about 2 years too long. I lost my patience often and became a sarcastic prick.

Guy: Hi, can you tell me where an ATM machine is?

Me: An ATM machine?

Guy: Yes.

Me: Well, no. I would think that they are built by hand, but I wouldn't know where to find one.

Guy: A money machine?

Me: An ATM?

Guy: Yes!

Me: Walk towards those double doors, hang a right, walk 60 feet and viola!

Guy: Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?!

Me: You asked if I knew where a Automatic Teller Machine Machine was located. I don't know where a machine that could make an ATM would be located, nor do I know if they exist. Like I said, I would think that they are built by hand...

Guy: Thanks...asshole.

Me: Welcome...idiot.

Ask Zelda from Pet Cemetary!

Dear Zelda,

My neighbor's dog barks incessently day and night. I can only assume that they put it out at night because it is annoying them indoors. What can I do?

Barking in Bakersfield

***********************************

Dear Barking in Bakersfield,

Try a little rat poison. Wrap it up in some burger and toss it in the yard. The dog will gobble it up! Before the dog dies, it will experience:

* Fever and chills
* Severe headache
* Nausea and vomiting
* Stiff neck (meningismus)
* Sensitivity to light (photophobia)
* Mental status changes

Ironically, these are nearly the same symptoms that I deal with everyday and every night. In fact, I can honestly say that I know exactly what it is like to suffer from rat poison. And I can't remember the last time I barked.

Hope this helps,

Zelda

'Lil Bush and 'Lil Cheney

Okay, one more Family Circus. But this is it.