Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
AA Members’ Christmas Party Does Not Go Well At All
Farmersville, North Dakota. A local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous in Farmington has been temporarily shut down following a “huge bash” last Saturday evening. Authorities arrested 13 men from the meeting between 8:20pm and 1:45am. Bernie Durst, director of AA Chapter 254 commented about the bash. “We thought it would be a good idea to get together for a Christmas party, since most of our members’ families have stopped all communication with us. Well, everyone has done so well this past year that I thought I would put a little bourbon in the punch, as a reward. Wow, did I make a mistake. Heck, only an hour in and Hal Lendel was picking a fight with old Charlie Duncan. Then Susan Johnston announced some truly awful things that she would do if only everyone would form a line. Everything just got out of hand. Before 8pm they were all at the bar next door drinking 4oz shots and really letting loose. I even started drinking after I saw how much fun they were all having! Well, I guess you can chalk this one up as a bit of a mistake, that‘s all. God knows we here have all made our share and then some.” 7 of the men were arrested for DUI, 3 of which were driving on a revoked license, and 2 were driving a car that was not theirs, nor did they know whose car it was. The other 6 men, including Durst, were arrested for running naked through an apartment complex where Susan Johnston lives. Johnston was also arrested on “similar” charges.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Maturity Graces Polish Black Metal Band
Bydgosczc, Poland. After nearly 5 years on the cutting edge of the music industry, Polish Black Metalers Behemoth offered a glimpse of their new found maturity. In a recent interview in People magazine, Behemoth’s front man, Dracune, spoke about their new conservative look, and their new found focus on their music. “Always with the dark stage gear and imagery. We used to try to look dark and forbidding, now we are focused on the music, the art, and the performance of our craft.” Dracune pointed out that many of their fans may label them as sell-outs, but they should wait until they hear the album before passing such judgments. “You can see, clearly by our new promotional photo [see inset] that we have taken our focus off of our appearance. Our fans will have to understand that our appearance was superficial, and that it did not represent us as musicians.” Dracune is not new to the world of change. Born on a bunny farm, Dracune spent his youth caring for bunnies in the small Polish village of Szamocin before moving to Bydgosczc at the young and impressionable age of 32. “I couldn’t just up and leave the bunnies. I spent all week tending to them, and then on the weekends I would catch a train into Bydgosccz to audition for Black Metal bands looking for a front man.” Dracune soon found Algor and Chomidia, both of Bydgosczc, suitable for band mates. Their 3rd effort, entitled The Disambiguation of the Oryctolagus cuniculus will be released January 27th.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I am so Republican, it hurts!
-by Chip Saltsman
Dudes, check me out. There is no way I can look anymore Republican than I do right now. I really started to bloom about 4 years ago; at least that is what everyone at the country club says. In fact, they don’t even bother asking to see my membership card any more – I look that Republican! When I am on the golf course, I can wear just about anything because my face and hair completely annihilate any urban look I may attempt. Dudes, I am your conservative du jour, and it is wonderful, don’t you agree? Just look at my: my-dad-makes-so-much-money-that-I-don’t-know-the-value-of-dollar smirk. Priceless. Ha! Get it!?
Miffy and Cassandra absolutely love my Saltsman cheeks. Just look at them! They ooze pomposity. I am a natural, except I must admit- (but never to a congressional panel. The only thing that should be transparent is the Holy Ghost.) -that I work like mad on my hair. See how it curves sharper than my jowls? Yeah, that is what I do to draw attention to my cheeks – while still maintaining the awesome “swope” on my fascist head. Sweet. I am a shoe-in for the next RNC leader, and lots of daddy’s friends have told me so when I was summering in the Hampton’s last year. Yeah, I stay out of the sun. Most of the time I am too busy to get outside because I am always giving back to my Ivy league Alma mater; I have a PAC based there that is so conservative that it makes William F. Buckley look like Dennis Kucinich. Some of the make-up people at FOX News told me that I have the best complexion ever, and that I can be dressed (as they say in the biz) in about 2 minutes, which means I can pop in and become a talking-head faster than that pro-credit card company legislation signing in 2004.
Well, I will see you around, er, I guess you will be seeing me around, huh? Congrats on that! If you want to see me, tune in to FOX News or take a look into a uterus that bears an embryo, I’ll be in there telling the government to tell you what to do, what to think, and what to believe. In any case, you will be seeing plenty of ultra-conservative-looking me. So, lucky you!
The Doorway Bowl Final Score------------------ Me: 0, Parents: 15
Errg. Last Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were snow days. And that means that parents go to work and drop their spawn off at the gym. Or, more accurately, the matching jump suit mother drops her 2-3 kids off along with 2-3 neighbor kids while she heads back home for some peace and quiet, and judging by the spawn’s rudeness, loudness and general shittyness, she indulges in wine until hubby gets home with the 4-6 kids. “It takes a village to raise a child.” No it doesn’t, it takes a parent. I didn’t take part in a community organized event that forced unwilling couples to fornicate until a “miracle” happened…for our village. Sure, I knew that kids were welcome in my gym, and there is plenty of room for them to run around in the gymnasium portions. Fine. Thank God that they aren’t allowed in the weight room.
Anyway, this is what happened in the locker room. I walk in and there are about 7 boys (6-10 years old) standing in the doorway, oblivious to the fact that people will be walking through it, being as loud as possible*, eating candy bars and spilling soda on the floor. I walk through them (yes, through them) and say “Excuse me, gentleman.” I do not enjoy kids in general (unless I know them or their parents), but I am always polite and I act as though they are really cool, and most of the time, they are. The doorway blockers barely move and don’t say a word. After I get my duffle bag unpacked, this naked 8 year old (from the pool!?) walks over and lays his towel on my duffle bag, partly covering my shoes, and ipod. When I say “Uh, excuse me there.” And go to move my stuff, he says “Oh.” grabs his towel knocking my ipod to the floor. He has to hear it, but ignores it. He steps on it with his wet, bare feet, ignoring it again, and shuts my locker to get to his. At that point this other guy, who has been waiting in the doorway for the monsters to get out of the way and/or get out of the headlock they are in, just snaps: “All right, enough! Get out of the locker room! This is not part of your playground!” They leave (slowly) and he looks at me shaking his head. Finally the kid who apparently lost his sight, inhibitions, and all sense of sensation in his feet drags himself out, too. I don’t care that kids are loud and engage in kid's stuff, they are kids and I was once one, too. But it makes me insane when the parents aren’t doing their job. WTF are they!? They pawn them off on anyone, anyone just to get some relief. Also, I am a freak about germs, and I don’t want whatever is on the gym floor (bare feet) on my ipod ear buds, which will eventually go in my ears, which are now breached gateways to my health.
The 4th quarter. About four 13 year-old girls walk in the front door with 2 mothers. These girls didn’t bring their IDs, so the lady that I am waiting on to get me a towel is busy going through the system and buzzing them in. The mothers are experiencing a delay, and they are pissed. They are glaring at the lady every time she asks for a name. The girls are picking up on it too and their expressions are looking more and more like haughty, old-money snobs each second, even though they aren’t old-money. They aren't even new-money, for that matter. There was such a sense of entitlement in the air that you would have thought I was in the presence of Barbara Bush. Then I had to wait on them again because they sat on the floor of the doorway so they could all change their shoes. I couldn’t step over because it was a doorway. I stood there waiting while they talked about Emma’s ugly sweater, and Megan’s ugly hair, all the while ignoring everyone else and their own ugly smugness taught by their mother’s ugly attitudes. WTF are they sitting on the floor in the doorway!? They didn’t bother moving or saying “Excuse our narcissistic asses.” They were just as oblivious as the 8 year-old naturalist from the locker room. Does Elmo teach them to hang out in doorways? Seriously, does he!? He better, he f-ing better, because I can’t imagine where kids are picking this up.
Me: “Sir, have you seen Elmo?”
Sir: “Why no, but I am sure you will find him in a doorway, that is where he hangs out.”
Me: “Okay thanks, I am going to kill him.”
Sir: “Splendid, that is very good news! Just don’t do it in the doorway.”
Me: “Of course.”
So, next snow day, the I-want-kids-but-don’t-want-to-watch-them parents' will win by forfeit. I will just stay home. Call me and we will have lunch. Seriously, if we have a snow day, call me and we will have lunch.
*This is irrelevant, but I am just being accurate
Anyway, this is what happened in the locker room. I walk in and there are about 7 boys (6-10 years old) standing in the doorway, oblivious to the fact that people will be walking through it, being as loud as possible*, eating candy bars and spilling soda on the floor. I walk through them (yes, through them) and say “Excuse me, gentleman.” I do not enjoy kids in general (unless I know them or their parents), but I am always polite and I act as though they are really cool, and most of the time, they are. The doorway blockers barely move and don’t say a word. After I get my duffle bag unpacked, this naked 8 year old (from the pool!?) walks over and lays his towel on my duffle bag, partly covering my shoes, and ipod. When I say “Uh, excuse me there.” And go to move my stuff, he says “Oh.” grabs his towel knocking my ipod to the floor. He has to hear it, but ignores it. He steps on it with his wet, bare feet, ignoring it again, and shuts my locker to get to his. At that point this other guy, who has been waiting in the doorway for the monsters to get out of the way and/or get out of the headlock they are in, just snaps: “All right, enough! Get out of the locker room! This is not part of your playground!” They leave (slowly) and he looks at me shaking his head. Finally the kid who apparently lost his sight, inhibitions, and all sense of sensation in his feet drags himself out, too. I don’t care that kids are loud and engage in kid's stuff, they are kids and I was once one, too. But it makes me insane when the parents aren’t doing their job. WTF are they!? They pawn them off on anyone, anyone just to get some relief. Also, I am a freak about germs, and I don’t want whatever is on the gym floor (bare feet) on my ipod ear buds, which will eventually go in my ears, which are now breached gateways to my health.
The 4th quarter. About four 13 year-old girls walk in the front door with 2 mothers. These girls didn’t bring their IDs, so the lady that I am waiting on to get me a towel is busy going through the system and buzzing them in. The mothers are experiencing a delay, and they are pissed. They are glaring at the lady every time she asks for a name. The girls are picking up on it too and their expressions are looking more and more like haughty, old-money snobs each second, even though they aren’t old-money. They aren't even new-money, for that matter. There was such a sense of entitlement in the air that you would have thought I was in the presence of Barbara Bush. Then I had to wait on them again because they sat on the floor of the doorway so they could all change their shoes. I couldn’t step over because it was a doorway. I stood there waiting while they talked about Emma’s ugly sweater, and Megan’s ugly hair, all the while ignoring everyone else and their own ugly smugness taught by their mother’s ugly attitudes. WTF are they sitting on the floor in the doorway!? They didn’t bother moving or saying “Excuse our narcissistic asses.” They were just as oblivious as the 8 year-old naturalist from the locker room. Does Elmo teach them to hang out in doorways? Seriously, does he!? He better, he f-ing better, because I can’t imagine where kids are picking this up.
Me: “Sir, have you seen Elmo?”
Sir: “Why no, but I am sure you will find him in a doorway, that is where he hangs out.”
Me: “Okay thanks, I am going to kill him.”
Sir: “Splendid, that is very good news! Just don’t do it in the doorway.”
Me: “Of course.”
So, next snow day, the I-want-kids-but-don’t-want-to-watch-them parents' will win by forfeit. I will just stay home. Call me and we will have lunch. Seriously, if we have a snow day, call me and we will have lunch.
*This is irrelevant, but I am just being accurate
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
True Story From Minnisota
Lake Iwannatitti, Minisota -- It was cold outside Monday morning, but apparently not cold enough.
A woman unlocking a warehouse door in the 1100 block of Bell Street was approached by a naked man wearing a ski mask at 6:30 a.m. Monday, said police.
He handled himself inappropriately and then fled, the report said. No additional description was available, aside from the fact that woman could not believe how inappropriately he was handling himself. “First, he was all like [“laaaa” sound effect] shaking it back and forth at me, and then he stretched it out really, really far, and then, somehow even farther. That is when he cried out, obviously in pain. He backed up, a little confused from the pain, I suppose. Then tucked his genitals all the way under, like in Silence Of The Lambs, turned around so I could see his junk, bent over, started shaking his butt and yelled out “Who wants fruit salad?!”, then he jumped in the air and landed his butt and junk square on the ground. He moaned and cried, rolling around like a lopsided ball. I thought that would be it and started to walk away, but then he asked me to wait. And this is what took the cake. He started jerking off, and after about five really uncomfortable minutes for both of us, he got it hard. That is when he ran straight into the warehouse wall. Unbelievable. Also, it was f-ing cold, dude. F-ing cold”, the woman said.
According to statistics from the National Weather Service in Wandabille, the temperature at 6:30 Monday morning had reached the low for the day of 17 degrees.
The woman stated that the man clearly did not know what he was doing and that she hoped that he would do a much better job next time he assaulted someone.
A woman unlocking a warehouse door in the 1100 block of Bell Street was approached by a naked man wearing a ski mask at 6:30 a.m. Monday, said police.
He handled himself inappropriately and then fled, the report said. No additional description was available, aside from the fact that woman could not believe how inappropriately he was handling himself. “First, he was all like [“laaaa” sound effect] shaking it back and forth at me, and then he stretched it out really, really far, and then, somehow even farther. That is when he cried out, obviously in pain. He backed up, a little confused from the pain, I suppose. Then tucked his genitals all the way under, like in Silence Of The Lambs, turned around so I could see his junk, bent over, started shaking his butt and yelled out “Who wants fruit salad?!”, then he jumped in the air and landed his butt and junk square on the ground. He moaned and cried, rolling around like a lopsided ball. I thought that would be it and started to walk away, but then he asked me to wait. And this is what took the cake. He started jerking off, and after about five really uncomfortable minutes for both of us, he got it hard. That is when he ran straight into the warehouse wall. Unbelievable. Also, it was f-ing cold, dude. F-ing cold”, the woman said.
According to statistics from the National Weather Service in Wandabille, the temperature at 6:30 Monday morning had reached the low for the day of 17 degrees.
The woman stated that the man clearly did not know what he was doing and that she hoped that he would do a much better job next time he assaulted someone.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Bill Keane Sure Isn't Funny.
Family Circus has never been funny. In fact, I find it offensive, not funny. Need an example? Open the paper, any paper. It is atrocious that this man gets paid to impose distorted reality or painfully obvious and/or boring situations on the public. "Oh? What's that you say? It's a cute cartoon? Oh, okay forget it then." He has been dumbin' us all down for years. Funny how the funnies aren't funny. Over the next week I aim to funny this shit up. Hope you enjoyed the 1st one.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Real Estate For Sale!
19056325415384 West Soulless Drive. Wonderful 1-year old cookie-cutter located in desirable Repetition Hills! 1300 square feet with all new everything. The garage provides lots of storage. This house is great for those who just don’t have time to care about the stupid house. Enjoy virtually no yard (no mowing!), hollow-core doors, a 5x7 wooden grill holder with 2 steps (some call it a deck) and close neighbors. How close? Close enough to borrow something by reaching out your windows! Everything and every store you need are located within 1 mile. Got kids? We sure do, and so does everyone else. Kids in Repetition Hills will learn their numbers fast. Why? Because they have to read the numbers on our mailbox just to identify their house! Come on parents; give them a good math head start in Repetition Hills!
The bright orange and green children’s playground equipment are included since we are moving into another cookie-cutter with the same equipment already installed! Isn’t life just wonderful?! Step right into our one-dimensional lives while we step right into someone else’s!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
"Fantasy Dining" In Ethiopia Really Catching On.
Full Story Next Week!
Village woman with "fantasy" pot roast.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Area Man Just Says “Fuck It!”
Carlinsville, WA. Local plumber and handyman, Al Jarvis, got fed up and just said “Fuck it!” Tuesday. Jarvis, 41, had been attempting to install Mrs. Cooper’s new shower for over 9 hours. “When he found out he needed yet another part, he just snapped.” said Randy Boone, Jarvis’ apprentice. “We loaded up and hit the tavern.” Boone also stated that Jarvis was drinking pretty heavy and cursing his “Goddamn ex-wife” over a game of darts and jalapeno poppers. Jarvis is the 478,503rd man this year to end a workday using those two words solely in a sentence.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Hello Cleveland!
*sigh* Here goes. Over the last few tri-months I have noticed that my humor doesn't always translate well to some, and some prefer to keep their head in the sand (when it comes to current events, not celebrity happenings) so I have decided to no longer offer it up to said groups and keep my pants-shittings to myself and the few peeps that get it. Please know that I am no mental heavyweight, and I certainly do not think that I am above the people that do not enjoy my humor, it just has to be purged in order for the chaos within to line itself up. That way I can get on to doing lawn work or drinking. That being said, read on or don't. You see, it is all worth it if I make only 1 person a day (including myself) smile, cry, bang their fist on their keyboard in opposition or just lightly puke into a small crayon box at their sister's house 2 days later.
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