Ask Zelda from Pet Cemetary!

Dear Zelda,

My neighbor's dog barks incessently day and night. I can only assume that they put it out at night because it is annoying them indoors. What can I do?

Barking in Bakersfield

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Dear Barking in Bakersfield,

Try a little rat poison. Wrap it up in some burger and toss it in the yard. The dog will gobble it up! Before the dog dies, it will experience:

* Fever and chills
* Severe headache
* Nausea and vomiting
* Stiff neck (meningismus)
* Sensitivity to light (photophobia)
* Mental status changes

Ironically, these are nearly the same symptoms that I deal with everyday and every night. In fact, I can honestly say that I know exactly what it is like to suffer from rat poison. And I can't remember the last time I barked.

Hope this helps,

Zelda