Fat Cubs Eat Iron Tires

When I got down to Wrigley, my boss called to tell me that he wouldn't be there for another 45 minutes. Since he had my ticket I went to this Goose Island bar that had tasty beers. Not long after my first sip a strong poop urge hit me (despite my full poop earlier in my hotel that morning) so I high-tailed it to the bathroom - which was upstairs. I got in the stall, got my pants down and blabooberooblaaa! Horrible. The guy next to me started laughing, as well as I did. But then the smell got me and I started gagging. I pulled my shirt up around my nose, but that was no use: it was really bad. The night before, I drank nothing but Beck's and Fat Tire, and at the (Iron Maiden) show I consumed a bunch of cheap drafts, hot dogs, and pizza. Then we went to Steak ‘n Shake and I ate a triple steak burger, bowl (not a cup) of chilli, onion rings, fries, a large chocolate shake and a large coke. Ignoring the booze, hot dogs and pizza, Steak ‘n Shake alone added up to 3032 calories. So this poop is really, really bad. And then the guy next to me lets out a little cry and starts gagging too. Now I start laughing again because his little cry was hilarious. But then I start gagging because I am breathing so much "air" in. So he gets out really quick and then I get down to the serious business of getting this cheeseburger-chilli-onion ring-pizza-shake-hot dog-German beer-Fat Tire-poop out of me. I leave the stall, wash up and get out as fast as I can before someone else comes in. I walk around upstairs for a while and act like I am looking for someone just to air out whatever has permeated my clothes.

Now I am back at the bar enjoying my beer and this guys sits down a couple of seats down from me about 3 minutes after I sat back down, and he says to the bartender, "Someone must have shit all over one of the stalls, you can't even go in there to pee." Since I had asked the hotty bartender where the pisser was 10 minutes earlier, she looks directly at me and asks me if it was bad in there, and I say, "Yeah, it is not good." And the guys says, "Not good!? You can't even go in there; I peed next door like everyone else is doing!" Then a barback shows up and is complaining to the bartender that he has to go clean up the men's bathroom because someone shit all over. Of course, I didn't shit all over, it was just that bad. I finished the beer and left, the bartender wouldn't even look at me, let alone get me another beer. Anyway, that happened.