True Story From Minnisota

Lake Iwannatitti, Minisota -- It was cold outside Monday morning, but apparently not cold enough.

A woman unlocking a warehouse door in the 1100 block of Bell Street was approached by a naked man wearing a ski mask at 6:30 a.m. Monday, said police.

He handled himself inappropriately and then fled, the report said. No additional description was available, aside from the fact that woman could not believe how inappropriately he was handling himself. “First, he was all like [“laaaa” sound effect] shaking it back and forth at me, and then he stretched it out really, really far, and then, somehow even farther. That is when he cried out, obviously in pain. He backed up, a little confused from the pain, I suppose. Then tucked his genitals all the way under, like in Silence Of The Lambs, turned around so I could see his junk, bent over, started shaking his butt and yelled out “Who wants fruit salad?!”, then he jumped in the air and landed his butt and junk square on the ground. He moaned and cried, rolling around like a lopsided ball. I thought that would be it and started to walk away, but then he asked me to wait. And this is what took the cake. He started jerking off, and after about five really uncomfortable minutes for both of us, he got it hard. That is when he ran straight into the warehouse wall. Unbelievable. Also, it was f-ing cold, dude. F-ing cold”, the woman said.

According to statistics from the National Weather Service in Wandabille, the temperature at 6:30 Monday morning had reached the low for the day of 17 degrees.

The woman stated that the man clearly did not know what he was doing and that she hoped that he would do a much better job next time he assaulted someone.