I am so Republican, it hurts!

-by Chip Saltsman

Dudes, check me out. There is no way I can look anymore Republican than I do right now. I really started to bloom about 4 years ago; at least that is what everyone at the country club says. In fact, they don’t even bother asking to see my membership card any more – I look that Republican! When I am on the golf course, I can wear just about anything because my face and hair completely annihilate any urban look I may attempt. Dudes, I am your conservative du jour, and it is wonderful, don’t you agree? Just look at my: my-dad-makes-so-much-money-that-I-don’t-know-the-value-of-dollar smirk. Priceless. Ha! Get it!?

Miffy and Cassandra absolutely love my Saltsman cheeks. Just look at them! They ooze pomposity. I am a natural, except I must admit- (but never to a congressional panel. The only thing that should be transparent is the Holy Ghost.) -that I work like mad on my hair. See how it curves sharper than my jowls? Yeah, that is what I do to draw attention to my cheeks – while still maintaining the awesome “swope” on my fascist head. Sweet. I am a shoe-in for the next RNC leader, and lots of daddy’s friends have told me so when I was summering in the Hampton’s last year. Yeah, I stay out of the sun. Most of the time I am too busy to get outside because I am always giving back to my Ivy league Alma mater; I have a PAC based there that is so conservative that it makes William F. Buckley look like Dennis Kucinich. Some of the make-up people at FOX News told me that I have the best complexion ever, and that I can be dressed (as they say in the biz) in about 2 minutes, which means I can pop in and become a talking-head faster than that pro-credit card company legislation signing in 2004.

Well, I will see you around, er, I guess you will be seeing me around, huh? Congrats on that! If you want to see me, tune in to FOX News or take a look into a uterus that bears an embryo, I’ll be in there telling the government to tell you what to do, what to think, and what to believe. In any case, you will be seeing plenty of ultra-conservative-looking me. So, lucky you!